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E-mail: Wizard@StanUU.org
A liberal religious voice in the Central
Valley since 1953.
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Opening Words
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best
wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of April Fool's Day,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious
persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions
at all.
In addition, please also accept our best wishes for a fiscally
successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007,
but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country
great (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any
other country or area of choice), and without regard to the race,
creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
orientation of the wishers.
This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a
period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor
shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian
celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or
ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief, or lack
thereof. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.
Q. I hear that you allow all sorts of weirdos in your church.
Atheists, Buddhists, Pagans . . .
A. We allow Christians too --
we're very open-minded!
Introduction
Why a joke show? Of all the more worthy things to occupy a Sunday,
why this? People are dying overseas right now, and here we are, telling
jokes. Why? One reason. Generic hilarity has been clinically proven to
alleviate stress and worry better than name-brand medications, such as
Valium. Laughter activates the immune system, making us more resistant
to illness. It decreases the levels of the stress hormones epinephrine
and cortisol. It releases endorphins, which may help reduce the
intensity of pain in people suffering from arthritis and muscular
spasms. Lastly, it is just plain good aerobic exercise.
Yes, I'm concerned about the current political situation. But as
George Herbert once said, "Living well is the best revenge," and I
can't think of a better way to live well than spending time having a
good laugh with my friends.
Q: How can you tell a Unitarian Universalist?
A: You can't, they already know it all.
Responsive Reading:
(With thanks to Jeff Foxworthy)
You might be a UU if:
You are unsure about the gender of God.
You might be a UU if:
The money you sent to the Sierra Club last year was more than you spent
on your mother at Christmas.
You might be a UU if:
You think the Holy Trinity is "reduce, reuse and recycle."
You might be a UU if:
You study the "ten suggestions" instead of the "Ten Commandments."
You might be a UU if:
The only time "Jesus" is mentioned at church is when you stub your toe.
You might be a UU if:
You have trouble singing hymns because you're always reading ahead to
see if you agree with the words.
You might be a UU if:
You pray, "Dear God, if there is a God, if you can, save my soul, if I
have a soul. And so, to whom it may concern, these thoughts, prayers,
good vibes, karma, cosmic forces, or whatever, we offer to you, if
there is a you. Or not.
Children's Time:
Hi Kids!
What sort of bouquet would you give to Lassie?
Collie Flowers!
What lives in the ocean, weighs 6,000 pounds and is green?
Moby Pickle!
(Children leave, vastly relieved)
Offertory
A UU minister was giving a sermon on the annual
pledge drive: "The Sermon on the Amount."
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on
and on. Finally she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if
we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
The Joke's on UU
A Unitarian meeting may seem strange to outsiders. Everybody sings
"Praise Be to Whom It May Concern" and then somebody speaks and nobody
listens - and then everybody disagrees. And if you disagree, then
you'll fit right in.
Why is a Unitarian Universalist congregation like granola?
When you take away all the fruits and all the nuts, all you have left are
flakes!
A woman went into a fabric store and asked the clerk for nine yards of
material to make a nightgown. The clerk said, "Nine yards is way too
much material for a nightgown." The woman said, "I know, but my husband
is Unitarian and he would rather seek than find."
What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness?
Someone who knocks at your door for n particular reason.
What two things do UU's and Dracula have in common?
They both have origins in Transylvania and they both shy away from the
cross.
For the members of any religion, to have to have a few doubts is
normal, to have many doubts is a crisis of faith, and to have constant
doubts is a conversion to Unitarian Universalism.
Did you hear about the UU who was insomniac, dyslexic and agnostic?
He stayed awake at night wondering about the nature of Dog.
Arguing with a Unitarian Universalist is like mud wrestling a pig.
Pretty
soon you realize the pig likes it.
A Unitarian Universalist died, and was off on the great journey. He came to a
crossroad in the lane, with three directional signs. One pointed left and read "This Way
To Heaven". Another pointed right and read "This Way to Hell". The one the UU
followed pointed straight ahead and read "This Way to a Discussion About Heaven and
Hell".
What did the Zen master say to the New York hotdog vendor?
"Make me one with everything."
Each religion has its own Holy Books: Judaism has the Torah, Islam has the Koran,
Christianity has the Bible, and Unitarian Universalism has Roberts' Rules of Order.
Three religious persons are discussing when life begins.
The Catholic said, "Life begins at the moment of conception."
The Jew said, "Life begins at the moment of birth."
The Unitarian Universalist said, "Life begins when the last child
goes off to college and the dog dies."
What were the last words spoken at the Last Supper?
"All right! Everyone who wants in the picture get on this side of the table."
A church hired a man to paint their building. The church was on a pretty
tight budget, so the man stretched the paint as much as he could with thinner.
As he was just about to finish, the pastor showed up to check on his progress.
The preacher thought the church looked horrible and cried out to the man,
"Repaint, repaint, and thin no more!"
A pastor skipped church one Sunday to go squirrel
hunting. He was walking through the woods, and as he came around a
bend, there was a bear, right in the path. The bear took off after him.
The pastor ran as fast as he could, but he slipped down a slope. The
bear came after him. The pastor lay there. He'd lost his gun. The
bear was coming closer, and the pastor said, "Lord, I repent for all
that I've done. Just please make this bear a Christian."
The bear stopped and looked up into the sky. The clouds parted. A
beam of light came down and touched the bear. The bear began to pray:
"Lord, I do thank you - for this meal!"
Let There Be Light
How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. Their hands are already in the air.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use candles.
How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of
darkness.
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much
better they liked the old bulb.
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. One to change the light bulb, six to find Biblical
authorization, a committee to approve the change and a few women
to make casseroles.
How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the
congregation to be sure that he doesn't backslide.
How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey
that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a
poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with
your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb
Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb
traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three- way, long-life,
and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Doesn't matter - they'll discuss it so long that they'll never get
it screwed in!
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Nine. Three to form the committee "For" change; three to form
the committee "Against" change; two to abstain; and someone to make
coffee.
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
One -- to write a solemn statement which will affirm the
following:
- We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of their
choice regardless of the bulb's illumination preference.
- UU's seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop
itself to its full potential.
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two - one to change the bulb, the other two make sure that the power
doesn't go to her head.
How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
It's about 5 or 6, isn't it? Whatever the quorum is for the
church board meeting. Well, plus, of course a couple of members of the
Building and Grounds committee to actually get the ladder and DO it --
and of course the chair and vice-chair of the committee to
supervise - oh, they can't come Saturday? Well, how about Sunday just
before the service? Oh, the choir's rehearsing? Oh God! No, I'm not
praying! It's just an expression!
Closing Words - One for the Road
Why did the UU cross the road?
To support the chicken in its search for its own path.
That's all, Folks!
This is a Guest Sermon
from our collection. Our
Minister's Sermons
are in a separate section.
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