On Being an Individual in a Collective

Lin Myers

After almost 9 years in this Fellowship and as a UU, I've been thinking deeply lately about how I lived my life before I found Unitarian Universalism and about how I want to live it being a UU in the time I have left. This religion was the first "organization" that I joined in my adult life, outside of a scientific one. I was brought up with a strong emphasis on taking care of myself, of being a self-reliant individual. I've also been thinking about why it might be difficult for those of us with such an individualist streak to consider joining any group, much less a religious group. Today, on this Labor Day Sunday I would like to wander with you through some of my thoughts about how we Unitarian Universalists need to mindfully consider a balance of our individual values and those of the group to which we belong. Lastly, I've been wondering how can we stay connected to the whole or group when we feel our individual values are in conflict with those of our congregation and religion.

Our families are usually the first group to which we belong. We learn so many things about relationships with others during our upbringing and I can tell you as a therapist that there are many ways that our understanding of how to be in relationship with others can be positively and negatively affected by those early experiences. Now, I'm not here to tell you to examine your childhood, but for my topic today there are certainly some important aspects of our collective and individual selves that normally come from our families, communities, and countries of origin. I know for myself that my family put a lot of emphasis on the group to which we belong, each other and the military, in both overt and covert ways. We were expected to look out for each other, we had to be good because our father could get in trouble with his base commander if his children acted up, and we had to learn to be respectful of our parents (and later anyone in authority). However, my parents also stressed the importance of being an individual at others times, with a huge push for us all to be self-reliant, while trying mightily to control that individualism, as parents will do. I think this kind of conflict of belonging and independence is a lifelong balancing act. My parents also exerting their individualism philosophically by not raising us in any particular religion. My older sister and I were allowed go to different churches in our neighborhood, go to vacation bible school, and try on different beliefs. An early lesson about belonging came when the local Baptist church told our parents that we couldn't come to Sunday school if they were not members. My sister and I were left pretty confused - now, we didn't ask why our parents weren't going to that church, but we wondered why we didn't belong. We experienced rejection from a group and we returned to our free Sunday mornings and our sense that our family was there for us, at least in some ways.

Yet, even being this part of a special group, my family, I was still pushed not to rely on others, that I had to make my way in the world, and it might seem laughable today, but there was an understanding that once I was 18 I was considered an adult and that they didn't have to keep supporting me after that time. In other words, I was on my own. This is what they had learned from their parents and this is what they taught us. I wasn't kicked out of the house, but I was certainly expected to get a job, go to school, to do something. My older sister solved it by getting married at 18 and creating her own family. I went to college and worked, then went into the military. I know that that sense that I had to do it all myself, that I had to make my own way in the world without much of a safety net also influenced my expectations of others. And I began to believe that if I could do it, why couldn't other people? I had little patience for those who didn't work hard and who did what I thought was whining about their lot in life, and that hard edge stayed with me for a long time. I met a lot of other people who felt and acted the same way I did. I thought it was normal. Such a way of life left me feeling even afraid to count on anyone else. I thought I had to do everything myself. There was never a "we", only the "I". So, what makes this such an American story?

In preparing for this sermon, I began to look into the roots of this individualism as an American value. An early historian presenting his ideas an a conference in 1893 proposed that due to some special characteristics of our founders, our pioneers, that Americans had come to be a breed of man unto itself - self-made, rugged, unique. Perhaps a bit sexist and certainly carrying the flavor of eugenics, but the idea certainly took hold as those in the colonies and later those in what became the United States clearly broke from the traditional cultural customs of Europe. Traits that were important for survival were highly prized. Of course, the fact that the development of the United States to that point was built on the backs of Native Indians, indentured servants, women, and with the help of the US military, not simply a matter of individual grit, were easily pushed aside.

About thirty years after this conference, Herbert Hoover, in a 1928 presidential campaign speech, spoke more specifically about this American character. He spoke about the rights of the individual and the direct need to return to the autonomy of the individual vs. the state, the need to steering ourselves away from what he called "a socialist state" necessitated by World War I. In this speech he clearly outlined his belief that the greatness of the United States was based on "a choice between the American system of rugged individualism and a European philosophy of diametrically opposed doctrines of paternalism and state socialism." He names a particular thing - American Individualism - and the need for it in this land of opportunity. Obviously, this ethic has also been a mainstay of the various forms of the Republican Party, but I would argue that our American identity is imbued with this notion regardless of political affiliation. In fact, I think many of us are not aware how much we have integrated this ethic into our sense of self and that this thing, this "rugged individualism" emerges most forcefully when someone disagrees with us, when we want our own way, and when our feelings are hurt.

Okay, so we have an idea of where this particular focus on the individual comes more fully into the American psyche, but historically its roots are in the Enlightenment, that era where allegiance to kings, countries, religions in an unwavering way was shifted to a higher value for rationality and the rights of the individual. Now, I'm not here to bore you with a history lesson. But I've always been fascinated when I study history and get a better understanding of the roots of certain values and behaviors. I can begin to see better how others and I have been unknowingly affected. We may think that these modes of belief and behavior are innate. It is only when I have examined these roots that I can truly decide if I will continue with that particular way, do that particular behavior, or accept that particular value. I got even more interested in the value of individualism when I taught a class this spring in Multicultural family counseling. I read much more about collectivism and individualism because in my profession as a therapist we are supposed to have an understanding of other cultures and groups and to keep from imposing our values on others in the therapeutic process. A collectivist approach places the individual needs subordinate to the greater good of the society and is viewed by some as a positive system, but of course this appeal to the greater good can be used in an abusive way to force people to give up their rights. Yet, the rights of the individual became the rallying cry for change in religious and political systems over 300 years ago in which a person was no longer viewed as simply a cog of a machine, but as a rational and independent entity and that the rights of the group should not suppress that individual's rights. Yet, here in the western world, in most therapeutic approaches the emphasis is placed on how to help the individual changes him or herself, to focus on their own self worth and their own needs. Even though we espouse a systems approach in training therapists, the fact is that in our current system of treatment, most insurance companies, if they do pay for therapy, do not want to pay for couples or family work. So again, even in our health care the emphasis is on the individual in isolation or excluding others who might influence or be influenced by that person. Thus, we are further taught to count on ourselves, even when in distress. Due to teaching this class I began to think even more about my own journey in reconciling my individual needs with those of groups of which I am a part.

To return to my personal journal, I was in my early thirties when I was firmly confronted with some of the side effects of living this isolated life as a "rugged" individual. Things weren't working well in my life and I found myself walking into a 12-step meeting for adult children of alcoholics with about 100 people in it. I remember feeling overwhelmed with so many people, but as they began the meeting and I heard people talk, I felt I was in the right place. Funny that I didn't remember until much, much later that it was held in the UU church in Palo Alto. But it was in that meeting that I first felt I wasn't alone in the world - that I was connected to others and I could count on others. That was the beginning of my real spiritual growth.

Now flash-forward to my spiritual home now, my UU Fellowship. I started with a circle dinner and decided to come to a service. That was all it took for me. Yet, over my time here I have seen many people come and go. I've seen people leave quickly and others just drift away. I've seen people get angry or disappointed and leave, while others have reported feeling driven away. Some people felt that maybe UU or our Fellowship didn't offer them the spiritual connection and growth they needed. From these experiences I came to some important questions: How can we be individuals, with all our own sensitivities and needs, and still operate in a collective? When do we decide that one person's response to us kills our commitment to the whole group? When do we take a ball and go home? What goes into that decision?

We all have different backgrounds; very few of us were raised as UUs. That means that we came to this religious life for any number of reasons - drawn to the values and principles, raising children in a religion that supports their spiritual growth, needing social contact, finding a non- traditional religious way to serve others, loss, friends, etc. Regardless of what brings us here, I think we are searching for things like connection, a sense of purpose, comfort, acceptance, many things. We also come to any group with our own sensitivities, things we think should be top priority, concerns, political views, etc. The desire to hold on to these things as part of who we are is pretty normal, but I wonder if our beliefs in our individual rights creates a rigidity in us that then makes it a problem to be tolerant of those who don't share those particular beliefs and priorities; that makes it difficult to fully commit to any group. So, what are we to do - do we feel discounted or even crushed if others don't value our views properly- do we assert our individualism to spite our connections? How do become less sensitive to ways we don't think are our own individual choice and how do we make way for new ways to share our UU beliefs? I think we need to take this as a challenge that will lead us down a different path - one that does not pit individualism against a shared UU journey, one that does not say its my way or the highway. And one that moves us from an intellectual individualist stance to a shared spiritual path with individuals.

To go further I want to turn to Michael Durall and his book The Almost Church Revitalized. Many of us here have been reading it and considered what he has to say about he future of Unitarian Universalism. In one chapter he urges us to focus on things that are important and he firmly believes we must do this together to survive. He offers some suggestions for this that I think you might find important. Interestingly, some of what he suggest we are doing here. First, he says that we have to get out of our ruts and we must "encourage people to spend their courage" (page 42). Imagine that - spending our courage. We have many examples here in our Fellowship - meals for homeless people in Stanislaus County, our capital campaign to build our new classroom and administrative space, our OWL programs, clothing drives, donating part of our plate to outside organizations, and our Fellowship , Covenant Groups or Fellowship Circles. We are doing things inside our church community and outside in our greater community. We are spending our courage. Let me read what Durall says about such endeavors. "This is what spiritual maturity looks like - the courage to act on our principles. The courage that crosses all theological lines. I believe such courage is more likely to occur among people in a faith community than individuals acting on their own." (page 44). You notice he says OUR principles and that he talks about individuals working together. He also thinks we must each make a firm commitment to spiritual maturity through acts not thoughts.

He further challenges an individualism that says I can think what I want and I can believe what I want and I want a group that doesn't tell me what to do. I can leave that group if I'm not totally satisfied. He says that we are a "low expectation movement." (pg. 45). He and others wonder if we can survive as a religious movement if our members we are only focused on getting their needs met. I believe these thoughts represent the need for a shift from an individualist position to a more collectivist position. It means we move beyond just taking our own temperature to see if we are happy with all that is happening in our Fellowship and dream much bigger. We have certainly done that with our building projects and now I want to be a part of considering what is next. And in that challenge to do what is next, I want to grow spiritually, connect more with others, focus on what is important. I'd like to grow along with you all.

One way to leave behind an individualism that keeps me isolated is that I recommit myself to a conscious or mindful living of our UU principles every day. Let me give you an example: When we have disagreements and conflicts, what UU values and principles would we be wise to turn to, to remember, to live by, that would bring us back to a solution? In Christianity one might ask "What would Jesus Do?" Do we Unitarian Universalistss have some things like this that would be a touchstone for resolution of resentments and disagreements? Well, of course we do - our first three principles speak to this:

• The inherent worth and dignity of every person
• Justice, equity and compassion in human relations
• Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations

Further, two of our other principles are firmly rooted in a collectivist stance:

• The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all
• Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part

So, we all know these, but are these words the ones that come to mind when we have a conflict with others? Do you go out in the world each day and live these principles? I am thinking of ways to remind myself each day, not just on Sunday or at a Board meeting. I believe in this way I can be more focused on what is important in my spiritual growth and my spiritual connection to others. I can remember them when someone says something to hurt my feelings, when someone has an opinion with which I don't agree, when I don't like the ways things are being done.

A final thing I wanted to share today comes from our tradition of drawing from many sources. After a student in that spring multicultural class discussed having gone to a Sikh temple for her immersion experience, I was intrigued to learn more. One concept I found beautiful is that of recitation - the use of sound - to approach the divine. Recitation in the Sikh religion is considered "... Like combing hair, hearing and reciting the sacred word is used as a way to comb all negative thoughts out of the mind." (Wikipedia - Sikhism). I love this notion and have begun with my literal combing of my hair in the morning the recitation of the five principles I've mentioned above. This mindful practice reminds me to more fully live my Unitarian Universalist life. The music I choose for part of this service is from a Sikh woman named Snatam Kaur The last song, Long Time Sun, today speaks to my hope that this Fellowship and that Unitarian Universalism is your spiritual home too. That we are individuals living collectively on OUR spiritual journey. Thank you.

Long Time Sun (Snatam Kaur)
May the long time sun shine upon you.
All love surround you.
And the pure light within you guide your way on.

Other sources:
Michael Durall, The Almost Church, Revitalized
Wikipedia, Rugged individualism, Sikhism

[Delivered September 5, 2010. Lin Myers is a member of the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Stanislaus County and a professor at California State University, Stanislaus, in Turlock.]

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